05 - The Riccardelli Society presents for you...

…Golden Riccardello 2015!

Friends and girlfriends, gigolos and escort, welcome to a new edition of the most coveted prize of the cinema, welcome to Golden Riccardello 2015. After the revolution of the new year that has seen players on the intercontinental scene with tons of erroneous clicks from USA and Russia, we are going to deliver our prizes in a renewed climate of the Cold War. A return to the 60s of such magnitude that we declare, as of now, ready to accommodate nuclear missiles of the superpower that we woo better. Currently Russia is winning thanks to the superior quality of its maidens take away, but, given the enlargement of our prostate and not prolonged erectile activity, the United States could, with a wing beat and focusing on the belly, submerge us with beef and beer. The challenge is tightened, the enthralling duel, but to pass the time is necessary to engage in the brain. Excluding puzzles for objective limits, no more talk and away with the prizes.

1 – "Lee Aaker" Award for Best Animal in Scene

a) Andalusian stallion which is actually a dog in "Winter's Tale"

b) The golden retriever smart Maverick in "Devil's Due"

c) The bobtail who takes a revolver from a brat stoned in "Maps To The Stars"

d) The war goat of the dwarves in "The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies"

e) The frog cumulonemba in "Exodus: Gods and Kings"

…and the winner is THE WAR GOAT OF THE DWARVES in " The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies " for the skill with which it is able to play its role without laughing at the stupid things that were happening around her and resisting the urge to eat bearded dwarves.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Taylor Lautner

2012 – Taylor Lautner

2013 – Taylor Lautner

2014 – David Bautista

2015 – The war goat of the dwarves

2 – "Ilona Staller" Award for Best Interspecies Sex

a) The Devil and the orphan milf Samantha in "Devil's Due"

b) The young Stefano and the fairy Maleficent in "Maleficent"

c) Different escorts with that mass of flabby flesh called Depardieu in "Welcome to New York"

d) The scientist Evelyne and the little artificial intelligence Will in "Transcendence"

e) The spineless Pattinson and cougar Moore in "Maps To The Stars"

…and the winner is THE YOUNG STEFANO AND THE FAIRY MALEFICENT in "Maleficent" for realism with which illustrate, even in the enchanted forest, the calm female reactions when casual sex is not generated by alcoholic or chemical alterations.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The German shepherd exorcist and the demon

2012 – The small Kristi and the demon Toby

2013 – The giant squid and the Engineer

2014 – Polyphemus and the satyr dress female cyclop

2015 – The young Stefano and the fairy Maleficent

3 – "Adam West" Award for Best Anal Effects

a) The eruption of Vesuvius in horizontal "Pompeii"

b) Charlotte Gainsbourg as a young chick in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 1"

c) Charlotte Gainsbourg is the chick also from old "Nymphomaniac Vol. 2"

d) The doll possessed you move six inches in "Annabelle"

e) Hilary Swank fascinating old maid in "The Homesman"

…and the winner is HILLARY SWANK FASCINATING OLD MAID in "The Homesman" for the commitment and dedication with which an entire crew tried to make us believe that a man, albeit mentally ill, can try physical attraction for Hillary Swank passing unscathed his dentures. 

Hall of Shame

2011 – The hair of Nicolas Cage

2012 – Computer graphics in case of random scenes

2013 – The rocking chair pulled with nylon thread

2014 – Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon who seem human despite the face lift

2015 – Hillary Swank fascinating old maid

4 – “Sandra Dee” Award for Best Romantic Comedy’s Insipid Girl

a) Jessica Brown Findlay in "Winter's Tale"

b) Patricia Arquette in "Vijay And I"

c) Julianne Moore in "The Teacher Inglese"

d) Cameron Diaz in "Sex Tape"

e) Emma Stone in "Magic In The Moonlight"

…and the winner is EMMA STONE in "Magic in the Moonlight" for the ease with which it can be bland in every role, in every age, in every place, inspiring the young students of quantum physics in their efforts to codify transcendence mathematically.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Jennifer Aniston

2012 – Reese Witherspoon

2013 – Miley Cyrus

2014 – Saoirse Ronan

2015 – Emma Stone

5 – "Giulio Terzi di Sant'Agata" Award for Best Action in Support of the Protagonists

a) The distraught manager who tries to fuck the wife of the deceased in "Vijay And I"

b) The Granny CIA that make the shoes to the cops in "Tak3n"

c) The alliance between the FBI and terrorists to make shoes in a MS-DOS evolved into "Transcendence"

d) The Mexican family with sisters in feud in "The Purge: Anarchy"

e) The Canadian Catholic priests who do not know the Latin "The Calling"

…and the winner is THE CANADIAN CATHOLIC PRIESTS WHO DO NOT KNOW THE LATIN in "The Calling" for the seriousness typically Canadian with which, in addition to film roles, have shown that in the northern United States any profession can be carried out with a lower degree of efficiency.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The useless boyfriend of the blonde

2012 – The monac full of tumors

2013 – The butterfly reminiscent of large birds

2014 – The tug of war against the giants led by King

2015 – The canadian catholic priests who do not know the latin

6 – “Burt Ward” Award for Best Expression of Neorealism

a) Just wear makeup with turban and false beard to be believed dead in "Vijay And I"

b) The serum anti-cancer in sole possession of the CIA in "3 Days To Kill"

c) The government, occult author of a massacre, which sends out people in uniform to get caught in "The Purge: Anarchy"

d) The priest apostate former toxic drinks and smokes like a turkish in "Deliver Us From Evil"

e) The heterosexual father who loves figure skating in "The Captive"

…and the winner is THE HETEROSEXUAL FATHER WHO LOVES FIGURE SKATING in "The Captive" for the acuity with which describes a society in decay where fathers smile at a handsome male teenager who spends his days with the butt of their daughter in the face.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The Italian prime minister who faces death praying with family

2012 – The petals of cherry blossoms flying during a samurai duel in the American desert

2013 – The tombs of ancient Greece with inscriptions in English

2014 – The talk show that dictates the rules to the policy

2015 – The heterosexual father who loves figure skating

7 – “Adam Kadmon” Award for Best New Scientific Theory

a) The only one to be able to speak with a nymphomaniac is an asexual in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 2"

b) Thank self-hypnosis can do blowjob with swallow in "Lovelace"

c) If one writes a play means that the father beats him in "The English Teacher"

d) To transfer a consciousness in a computer just read a list of words accepted by Scrabble in "Transcendence"

e) The police are able to identify intuitive demons in "Deliver Us From Evil"

…and the winner is THE ONLY ONE TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK WITH A NYMPHOMANIAC IS AN ASEXUAL in " Nymphomaniac Vol. 2" for turning on, in all nymphomaniacs on the planet, the faint glimmer of hope to have a normal conversation with someone and then turning it off with a nice bucket of anal sex.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The conversion of the vampires in human

2012 – The priests who respect the vow of chastity

2013 – Changes in currency the yuan tied to the size of the prostate

2014 – Aliens who are abducting people rarely are reptilians

2015 – The only one able to speak with a nymphomaniac is an asexual

8 – “Kay Parker” Award for Best Oral Performance

a) Dakota Johnson in "Fifty Shades Of Grey"

b) Stacy Martin in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 1"

c) Amanda Seyfried in "Lovelace"

d) Mia Wasikowska in "Maps To The Stars"

e) Kristen Stewart in "Camp X-Ray"

…and the winner is DAKOTA JOHNSON in "Fifty Shades Of Grey" for putting all these holes in the service of the great contemporary literature maintaining the expression of the cat that is fixed while poops.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Monica Bellucci

2012 – Milla Jovovich

2013 – Kristen Stewart

2014 – Lindsay Lohan

2015 – Dakota Johnson

9 – “Kirk Morris” Award for Best Affliction of Testosterone

a) Colin Farrell in "Winter's Tale"

b) Shia Leboeuf in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 2"

c) Peter Sarsgaard in "Lovelace"

d) Robert Pattinson in "Maps To The Stars"

e) Luke Evans in "Dracula Untold"

…and the winner is ROBERT PATTINSON in "Maps To The Stars" for the skill with which he always chooses roles that bring out the huge potential manly through deep psychological profiles as a poster on the wall.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Robert Pattinson

2012 – Robert Pattinson

2013 – Robert Pattinson

2014 – Jaden Smith

2015 – Robert Pattinson

10 – “Terrence Malick” Award for Best Needless Movie

a) Nymphomaniac Vol. 1

b) Nymphomaniac Vol. 2

c) Maleficent

d) Maps To The Stars

e) Fifty Shades Of Grey

…and the winner is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY for the delicacy with which he introduced into the world of housewives what would quietly raiding discovered in the room of a teenage son any Saturday night.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Legion

2012 – 30 Days of Night: Dark Days

2013 – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

2014 – Warm Bodies

2015 – Fifty Shades of Grey

And again this year we took her home. Five years of repetition and not accuse them! Moreover, as they sang Skiantos "... you are an audience of shit ...", then what do you expect? Seriously, even in this fifth edition of the Golden Riccardello hope we have achieved the goal of Operation Smile. If the answer is yes, go ahead and support us not doing shit and laughing. And now rise up by the balls that we have a false neutrality in the face of a Cold War to manage! See you next year!

168 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Fifty Shades of Grey!

Director (or his deputy): Sam “Two Surnames With A Vacuum Around” Taylor-Johnson

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Dakota “Anthropomorphic Groundhog” Johnson, Jamie “Expressive As A Dildo” Dornan, Jennifer “I Passed By Here” Ehle, Max “No Martini Yes Party” Martini, Eloise “Mummy Not Mumford” Mumford

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Continuous sex and ironed clothes for days

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Like a penis transplant, but without recovery of erectile function

Country (someone even finances them): USA (after losing the balls, they also lost the cock and pussy)

Plot (really, a plot?): A fresh virgin twenty-five, with the air of a rabbit sodomized without his knowledge, opens her thighs for landing the billionaire of his dreams, interpreted by the twelfth choice of casting. In a flurry of growing eroticism, the public understands very well because he was the twelfth and why the other eleven have refused to give a blow to the embarrassing spotless.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 5

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 10 – Stealing Beauty (Cerebral Antimatter)

167 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Tak3n!

Director (or his deputy): Olivier “Perfect Last Name For A Parisian Today” Megaton

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Liam “I'm Lethal Stationary” Neeson, Famke “I Defend Myself With Telekinesis” Janssen, Maggie “Weeping And Action” Grace, Al “I Act The Opposite Of My Last Name” Sapienza, Forest “Mom Says I'm Special” Whitaker

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Lethal weapon swimming in a sea of morons

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Half an hour would have been enough by eliminating unnecessary parts which does not kill

Country (someone even finances them): France (bring them back in the sanatorium)

Plot (really, a plot?): A former field agent of the secret service tries to get back together with his ex-wife for not having to pay alimony, but the new husband burns it on time and does kill the woman. After discovering that must recover at home pregnant daughter, the agent goes mad and kills a bit 'of Russians because of their démodé underwear.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 3

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 01 – Last Tango in Paris (Postprandial Somnolence)

166 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Exodus: Gods and Kings!

Director (or his deputy): Ridley “Retirement Is Not An Alternative” Scott

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Christian “As Di Caprio To Oscar” Bale, Joel “Viking Egyptian” Edgerton, Aaron “My Name Is Aaron Not Joshua” Paul, Ben “Millions Of Dead” Kingsley, Sigourney “And The Aliens?” Weaver

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): A colossal pulping of balls

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): The time to cross the Red Sea on foot

Country (someone even finances them): USA (never learn), Great Britain (after this film will not be great ever) and Spain (as a reward I want the name on the poster)

Plot (really, a plot?): The people of Israel to gain freedom and be liking as usual, convinces the half-brother of Pharaoh to betray him and listening to the voices of a God boy who likes to play Minecraft on the estuary of the River Nile. Finished the Egyptians, the fury hits the fish fauna of the Red Sea.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 3

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 07 – Novecento (Irreversible Neurological Damage)

165 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Horrible Bosses 2!

Director (or his deputy): Sean “Great Pedigree Idiot” Anders

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Jason “I Am Marble” Bateman, Jason “How Many Jason In The World” Sudeikis, Charlie “Emilio Estevez Costs Half” Day, Jennifer “Nerd Dream For The Erection” Aniston, Chris “Pine In Name And In Fact” Pine, Christoph “Money For Nothing” Waltz, Kevin “I Masturbate And I'm Not Ashamed” Spacey

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those that justify cinema just to eat buttered popcorn

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): As the First World War, but with fewer deaths

Country (someone even finances them): USA (I don’t understand why the Mexicans don’t go south)

Plot (really, a plot?): Three young entrepreneurs, having made blow the company as fools, think to retrieve it by staging a kidnapping. Things could go well if the cast had not been filled with stars who must make their appearance, integrating into the plot as a piece of excrement in milk. The audience obviously drunk believing is a chocolate milkshake.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 2

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 04 – Little Buddha (Alcohol Coma)