martedì 24 febbraio 2015

162 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies!

Director (or his deputy): Peter “Nerd Sucks Now I’m Cool” Jackson

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Martin “Exciting As A Wall” Freeman, Ian “More Superpowers Than Teeth” McKellen, Richard “Dwarf Is Not Suffering From Dwarfism” Armitage, Luke “No, I’m Not Orlando” Evans, Orlando “No, I’m Not Luke” Bloom, Evangeline “What A Surprise! A Clone Of Liv Tyler” Lilly

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those deep as a poster who broke his balls with the battles

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Compatible with a tantric sex

Country (someone even finances them): New Zealand (they even have the money to fund the crap) and USA (ah, that's who finances really crap)

Plot (really, a plot?): Defeated the dragon Smaug, arrive ogres and the forces of good are compacted on the scrotum of the public for a last desperate resistance. Eventually, after having foiled the first interspecies relationship between dwarves and elves, survivors are french kiss and they go back home.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 06 – L’Assedio (Deep Coma)
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mercoledì 18 febbraio 2015

161 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…The Riot Club!

Director (or his deputy): Lone “What The Hell!!!” Scherfig

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Max “Thank You Father” Irons, Sam “Lucky Lucky Man” Claflin, Douglas “Funny Face, Actor Disgrace” Booth, Holliday “Toilet Whitewashed Remains A Toilet” Grainger, Freddie “ No Costume No Recitation” Fox

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those who would like to know the idiot who said that this is the new "A Clockwork Orange"

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): The ideal for the pathogenesis of orchitis

Country (someone even finances them): Great Britain (it's really a mystery how they did it to gain and maintain an empire)

Plot (really, a plot?): A group of young students from Oxford, instead of emulating fellow Mediterranean and fuck everything that moves, decides to get drunk to death and destroy a restaurant. Then the audience realizes that in England women are ugly and then empathizes.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 5

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 10 – Stealing Beauty (Cerebral Antimatter)
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venerdì 13 febbraio 2015

160 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Magic in the Moonlight!

Director (or his deputy): Woody “Stories Photocopy” Allen

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Emma “Lemur of Madagascar” Stone, Colin “Why Colin, Why?” Firth, Simon “No, Seriously, Who Are You?” McBurney, Hamish “Nomen Omen” Linklater, Eileen “Damn, You Also” Atkins

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those who have already seen a lot of times, but since it is Woody woe to say that they do pity

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Just enough time to devote to something useful and fruitful

Country (someone even finances them): USA (despite incest adoptive fail to not give him money)

Plot (really, a plot?): A famous british illusionist, pretending to do the Chinese, presaging the future of his country and of many others, tries to expose a medium scammer, but ends up to marry her and sell magic salt on the phone to unsuspecting old ladies in a country of idiots who begins to I and ends up tally.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 07 – Novecento (Irreversible Neurological Damage)
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Statuto della Riccardelli Society

Il Gran Consiglio degli Onorati Membri della Riccardelli Society, riunito in plenaria, stabilisce nei seguenti articoli le regole costitutive e l'obiettivo della propria struttura:

Art.1 I film sono arte, ma anche l'idraulica lo è. (Clint Eastwood)

Art.2 La durata di un film dovrebbe essere direttamente commisurata alla capacità di resistenza della vescica umana. (Alfred Hitchcock)

Art.3 E' sempre meglio passare ai posteriori che ai posteri. (Tinto Brass)

Art.4 Tragedia è se mi taglio le dita. Commedia è se camminando cadi in una fogna aperta e muori. (Mel Brooks)

Art.5 Non è necessario che un regista sappia scrivere, ma se sa leggere aiuta. (Billy Wilder)

Art.6 Il vantaggio di essere intelligente è che si può sempre fare l'imbecille, mentre il contrario è del tutto impossibile. (Woody Allen)

Art.7 Il cinema è l'unica forma d'arte nella quale le opere si muovono e lo spettatore rimane immobile. (Ennio Flaiano)

Art.8 La mia invenzione è destinata a non avere alcun successo commerciale. (Louis Lumiere)

Art.9 Hollywood è un viaggio nella fogna in una barca con il fondo trasparente. (Wilson Mizner)

Art.10 Al cinema preferisco la televisione. E' più vicina alla toilette. (Anonimo)

Art.11 Nella recitazione non rivelo altro che me stesso: essendo stupido non ho problemi. (Leslie Nielsen)

Art.12 Davanti a me vedo tutto meno quello che dovrei vedere. (Germano Mosconi)

Art.13 Il terrore travalica la mia capacità di razionalizzare. (Harold Ramis)

Eventuali ulteriori articoli possono essere segnalati e inseriti a insindacabile giudizio del Gran Consiglio degli Onorati Membri o chi ne fa le feci. Chiunque non dovesse rispettare lo Statuto, potrebbe ricevere una telefonata a casa e, entro sette giorni dalla stessa, copia di "City of Angels" autografata da Nicolas Cage in segno di monito e perenne marchio di infamia.