XXX - Johnny Little Niggers ha scritto per voi...

…e vi ringrazia per avere letto e non aver vomitato! Da un po' di tempo impegni di tanti tipi mi suggerivano di chiudere l'esperienza, ma prima di farlo ho provato a rimpinguare la redazione del blog. Avendo trovato solo porte chiuse, come l'agente di Nicolas Cage presso le case di produzione serie e non governate da italo-americani, ho provato a prendermi un po' di tempo. Nei primi giorni di Settembre il corpo di Mauro Vestri, lo splendido interprete del Prof. Guidobaldo Maria Riccardelli, è stato trovato in completo stato di abbandono. Un segno? Forse. Sicuramente del fatto che non ho più voglia e tempo di sfottere in suo nome. Per cui, ciao Mauro, io non ti dimenticherò di sicuro: ho ancora un sacco di spillette con la tua effigie per ricordarti. Queste pagine hanno fatto il loro tempo. E' ora di tornare a fare lo spettatore distratto e alleggerito. Viva l'ignoranza.

Sinceramente

JLN

173 - The Gunman

…The Gunman!

Director (or his deputy): Pierre “More Morphine For All” Morel

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Sean “Always The Same, But More Muscular” Penn, Idris “No Death, I Am The Good Black” Elba, Javier “I'm A Picasso Speaking” Bardem, Mark “Usually I Write And That's It” Rylance, Jasmine “A Smile And They Are Forgotten” Trinca

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): International intrigue to allow Sean Penn's grimacing and denounce abuses

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): As the post-operative course when you reversed the position of the organs

Country (someone even finances them): Spain (they may also stop making movies), USA (do not make it to stay out) and France (from bad to worse)

Plot (really, a plot?): The prototype of the shit, having shot dead a Congolese Minister, decided to become a nurse, but his past haunts him. Then returns the prototype of the shit, but since it makes for a good cause then it all ends in hugs and kisses in Congo. New faces unprecedented for Sean Penn, ah no, is the reverb.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 3

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 06 – L’Assedio (Deep Coma)

172 - Focus

…Focus!

Director (or his deputy): Glenn “Film School By Correspondence” Ficarra and John “I’m Requiem Not Requa” Requa

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Will “Worst Of My Son” Smith, Margot “Blonde, Blue Eyes, Need More?” Robbie, Rodrigo “Servant To Bring Out Will” Santoro, Gerald “Crook Dad” McRaney, BD “Hustler Politically Correct” Wong

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Stories of scams that are coupled between a sting and the other

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): What it takes to go to eat in a good restaurant and neglecting cinema

Country (someone even finances them): USA (if they go on like this, the Isis arrives in Washington)

Plot (really, a plot?): A fraudster longtime educates a beautiful blonde to the noble art of stealing things to others. In return she gives himself body and soul, especially the second, before scrubbing soundly the best actor on the square, after a real chicken, to interpret a chicken.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 5

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 04 – Little Buddha (Alcohol Coma)

171 - The Divergent Series: Insurgent

…The Divergent Series: Insurgent!

Director (or his deputy): Robert “Clear As The Last Name” Schwentke

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Shailene “Lawrence Wannabe” Woodley, Theo “Expressive As A Menhir” James, Ansel “You Wake Up To Three” Elgort, Miles “Save Me Whiplash” Teller, Naomi “Hello? I Need A Part” Watts, Kate “Antagonist Is Not Needed” Winslet

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Boring dystopian future in which a young girl shakes the planet

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): The time to get out and go to the supermarket and newsstands

Country (someone even finances them): USA (are they still sure about the theory of manifest destiny?)

Plot (really, a plot?): A young rebel and her boyfriend, expression carved in porphyry, running around a futuristic world, divided into unnecessary and harmful factions, to find out that if they had gone directly to the enemy and they had taken prisoner their persecution would end with a movie in advance. Clash milf horizon.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 09 – The Dreamers (Brain Dead)

170 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Jupiter Ascending!

Director (or his deputy): Lana “Blame My Brother” Wachowski, Andy “Blame My Sister” Wachowski

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Mila “A Frame Forever” Kunis, Channing “Pheromone Fair” Tatum, Sean “Surprise! I Survive” Bean, Eddie “Oscar? No, I’m Eddie” Redmayne, Douglas “Harrods Dummy” Booth

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): The usual science fiction without science

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Over time, the space and the ability to endure

Country (someone even finances them): USA (they administered boring films instead of Xanax)

Plot (really, a plot?): A Russian domestic workers, specializing in cleaning the bathrooms, suddenly discovers he is the reincarnation of the Queen of the Universe and to love a person, half man and half dog, that vaguely resembles its Pinscher. Meanwhile, his children try to make it out for first, trying to hold back the paying public.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 08 – L’Ultimo Imperatore (Near-Death Experience)

169 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Seventh Son!

Director (or his deputy): Sergej “The Russian Wall Face” Vladimirovic Bodrov

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Jeff “Drunk Like Lebowski” Bridges, Ben “Small Soft Rabbit”, Julianne “Academy, I Tease” Moore, Olivia “Minimum Effort Maximum Results” Williams, Djimon “This Time The Chinese Dies Before” Hounsou

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Fantastic jumble of fantasy clichés

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Time to accumulate fat as a whale

Country (someone even finances them): Great Britain (the intellectual decline is an inevitable fact) and USA (in agreement with the high-protein diet, poop remains afloat)

Plot (really, a plot?): The seventh son of a seventh son tries another seventh son of a seventh son to download the buck to save the world. All this is not some philanthropic purposes, but in order to close his life drunk and stoned in the arms of a prostitute without being interrupted by people asking improbable rescues. The public has no way out.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 3

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 05 - The Sheltering Sky (Pharmacological Coma)

05 - The Riccardelli Society presents for you...

…Golden Riccardello 2015!

Friends and girlfriends, gigolos and escort, welcome to a new edition of the most coveted prize of the cinema, welcome to Golden Riccardello 2015. After the revolution of the new year that has seen players on the intercontinental scene with tons of erroneous clicks from USA and Russia, we are going to deliver our prizes in a renewed climate of the Cold War. A return to the 60s of such magnitude that we declare, as of now, ready to accommodate nuclear missiles of the superpower that we woo better. Currently Russia is winning thanks to the superior quality of its maidens take away, but, given the enlargement of our prostate and not prolonged erectile activity, the United States could, with a wing beat and focusing on the belly, submerge us with beef and beer. The challenge is tightened, the enthralling duel, but to pass the time is necessary to engage in the brain. Excluding puzzles for objective limits, no more talk and away with the prizes.

1 – "Lee Aaker" Award for Best Animal in Scene

a) Andalusian stallion which is actually a dog in "Winter's Tale"

b) The golden retriever smart Maverick in "Devil's Due"

c) The bobtail who takes a revolver from a brat stoned in "Maps To The Stars"

d) The war goat of the dwarves in "The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies"

e) The frog cumulonemba in "Exodus: Gods and Kings"

…and the winner is THE WAR GOAT OF THE DWARVES in " The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies " for the skill with which it is able to play its role without laughing at the stupid things that were happening around her and resisting the urge to eat bearded dwarves.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Taylor Lautner

2012 – Taylor Lautner

2013 – Taylor Lautner

2014 – David Bautista

2015 – The war goat of the dwarves

2 – "Ilona Staller" Award for Best Interspecies Sex

a) The Devil and the orphan milf Samantha in "Devil's Due"

b) The young Stefano and the fairy Maleficent in "Maleficent"

c) Different escorts with that mass of flabby flesh called Depardieu in "Welcome to New York"

d) The scientist Evelyne and the little artificial intelligence Will in "Transcendence"

e) The spineless Pattinson and cougar Moore in "Maps To The Stars"

…and the winner is THE YOUNG STEFANO AND THE FAIRY MALEFICENT in "Maleficent" for realism with which illustrate, even in the enchanted forest, the calm female reactions when casual sex is not generated by alcoholic or chemical alterations.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The German shepherd exorcist and the demon

2012 – The small Kristi and the demon Toby

2013 – The giant squid and the Engineer

2014 – Polyphemus and the satyr dress female cyclop

2015 – The young Stefano and the fairy Maleficent

3 – "Adam West" Award for Best Anal Effects

a) The eruption of Vesuvius in horizontal "Pompeii"

b) Charlotte Gainsbourg as a young chick in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 1"

c) Charlotte Gainsbourg is the chick also from old "Nymphomaniac Vol. 2"

d) The doll possessed you move six inches in "Annabelle"

e) Hilary Swank fascinating old maid in "The Homesman"

…and the winner is HILLARY SWANK FASCINATING OLD MAID in "The Homesman" for the commitment and dedication with which an entire crew tried to make us believe that a man, albeit mentally ill, can try physical attraction for Hillary Swank passing unscathed his dentures. 

Hall of Shame

2011 – The hair of Nicolas Cage

2012 – Computer graphics in case of random scenes

2013 – The rocking chair pulled with nylon thread

2014 – Richard Gere and Susan Sarandon who seem human despite the face lift

2015 – Hillary Swank fascinating old maid

4 – “Sandra Dee” Award for Best Romantic Comedy’s Insipid Girl

a) Jessica Brown Findlay in "Winter's Tale"

b) Patricia Arquette in "Vijay And I"

c) Julianne Moore in "The Teacher Inglese"

d) Cameron Diaz in "Sex Tape"

e) Emma Stone in "Magic In The Moonlight"

…and the winner is EMMA STONE in "Magic in the Moonlight" for the ease with which it can be bland in every role, in every age, in every place, inspiring the young students of quantum physics in their efforts to codify transcendence mathematically.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Jennifer Aniston

2012 – Reese Witherspoon

2013 – Miley Cyrus

2014 – Saoirse Ronan

2015 – Emma Stone

5 – "Giulio Terzi di Sant'Agata" Award for Best Action in Support of the Protagonists

a) The distraught manager who tries to fuck the wife of the deceased in "Vijay And I"

b) The Granny CIA that make the shoes to the cops in "Tak3n"

c) The alliance between the FBI and terrorists to make shoes in a MS-DOS evolved into "Transcendence"

d) The Mexican family with sisters in feud in "The Purge: Anarchy"

e) The Canadian Catholic priests who do not know the Latin "The Calling"

…and the winner is THE CANADIAN CATHOLIC PRIESTS WHO DO NOT KNOW THE LATIN in "The Calling" for the seriousness typically Canadian with which, in addition to film roles, have shown that in the northern United States any profession can be carried out with a lower degree of efficiency.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The useless boyfriend of the blonde

2012 – The monac full of tumors

2013 – The butterfly reminiscent of large birds

2014 – The tug of war against the giants led by King

2015 – The canadian catholic priests who do not know the latin

6 – “Burt Ward” Award for Best Expression of Neorealism

a) Just wear makeup with turban and false beard to be believed dead in "Vijay And I"

b) The serum anti-cancer in sole possession of the CIA in "3 Days To Kill"

c) The government, occult author of a massacre, which sends out people in uniform to get caught in "The Purge: Anarchy"

d) The priest apostate former toxic drinks and smokes like a turkish in "Deliver Us From Evil"

e) The heterosexual father who loves figure skating in "The Captive"

…and the winner is THE HETEROSEXUAL FATHER WHO LOVES FIGURE SKATING in "The Captive" for the acuity with which describes a society in decay where fathers smile at a handsome male teenager who spends his days with the butt of their daughter in the face.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The Italian prime minister who faces death praying with family

2012 – The petals of cherry blossoms flying during a samurai duel in the American desert

2013 – The tombs of ancient Greece with inscriptions in English

2014 – The talk show that dictates the rules to the policy

2015 – The heterosexual father who loves figure skating

7 – “Adam Kadmon” Award for Best New Scientific Theory

a) The only one to be able to speak with a nymphomaniac is an asexual in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 2"

b) Thank self-hypnosis can do blowjob with swallow in "Lovelace"

c) If one writes a play means that the father beats him in "The English Teacher"

d) To transfer a consciousness in a computer just read a list of words accepted by Scrabble in "Transcendence"

e) The police are able to identify intuitive demons in "Deliver Us From Evil"

…and the winner is THE ONLY ONE TO BE ABLE TO SPEAK WITH A NYMPHOMANIAC IS AN ASEXUAL in " Nymphomaniac Vol. 2" for turning on, in all nymphomaniacs on the planet, the faint glimmer of hope to have a normal conversation with someone and then turning it off with a nice bucket of anal sex.

Hall of Shame

2011 – The conversion of the vampires in human

2012 – The priests who respect the vow of chastity

2013 – Changes in currency the yuan tied to the size of the prostate

2014 – Aliens who are abducting people rarely are reptilians

2015 – The only one able to speak with a nymphomaniac is an asexual

8 – “Kay Parker” Award for Best Oral Performance

a) Dakota Johnson in "Fifty Shades Of Grey"

b) Stacy Martin in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 1"

c) Amanda Seyfried in "Lovelace"

d) Mia Wasikowska in "Maps To The Stars"

e) Kristen Stewart in "Camp X-Ray"

…and the winner is DAKOTA JOHNSON in "Fifty Shades Of Grey" for putting all these holes in the service of the great contemporary literature maintaining the expression of the cat that is fixed while poops.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Monica Bellucci

2012 – Milla Jovovich

2013 – Kristen Stewart

2014 – Lindsay Lohan

2015 – Dakota Johnson

9 – “Kirk Morris” Award for Best Affliction of Testosterone

a) Colin Farrell in "Winter's Tale"

b) Shia Leboeuf in "Nymphomaniac Vol. 2"

c) Peter Sarsgaard in "Lovelace"

d) Robert Pattinson in "Maps To The Stars"

e) Luke Evans in "Dracula Untold"

…and the winner is ROBERT PATTINSON in "Maps To The Stars" for the skill with which he always chooses roles that bring out the huge potential manly through deep psychological profiles as a poster on the wall.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Robert Pattinson

2012 – Robert Pattinson

2013 – Robert Pattinson

2014 – Jaden Smith

2015 – Robert Pattinson

10 – “Terrence Malick” Award for Best Needless Movie

a) Nymphomaniac Vol. 1

b) Nymphomaniac Vol. 2

c) Maleficent

d) Maps To The Stars

e) Fifty Shades Of Grey

…and the winner is FIFTY SHADES OF GREY for the delicacy with which he introduced into the world of housewives what would quietly raiding discovered in the room of a teenage son any Saturday night.

Hall of Shame

2011 – Legion

2012 – 30 Days of Night: Dark Days

2013 – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

2014 – Warm Bodies

2015 – Fifty Shades of Grey

And again this year we took her home. Five years of repetition and not accuse them! Moreover, as they sang Skiantos "... you are an audience of shit ...", then what do you expect? Seriously, even in this fifth edition of the Golden Riccardello hope we have achieved the goal of Operation Smile. If the answer is yes, go ahead and support us not doing shit and laughing. And now rise up by the balls that we have a false neutrality in the face of a Cold War to manage! See you next year!

168 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Fifty Shades of Grey!

Director (or his deputy): Sam “Two Surnames With A Vacuum Around” Taylor-Johnson

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Dakota “Anthropomorphic Groundhog” Johnson, Jamie “Expressive As A Dildo” Dornan, Jennifer “I Passed By Here” Ehle, Max “No Martini Yes Party” Martini, Eloise “Mummy Not Mumford” Mumford

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Continuous sex and ironed clothes for days

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Like a penis transplant, but without recovery of erectile function

Country (someone even finances them): USA (after losing the balls, they also lost the cock and pussy)

Plot (really, a plot?): A fresh virgin twenty-five, with the air of a rabbit sodomized without his knowledge, opens her thighs for landing the billionaire of his dreams, interpreted by the twelfth choice of casting. In a flurry of growing eroticism, the public understands very well because he was the twelfth and why the other eleven have refused to give a blow to the embarrassing spotless.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 5

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 10 – Stealing Beauty (Cerebral Antimatter)

167 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Tak3n!

Director (or his deputy): Olivier “Perfect Last Name For A Parisian Today” Megaton

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Liam “I'm Lethal Stationary” Neeson, Famke “I Defend Myself With Telekinesis” Janssen, Maggie “Weeping And Action” Grace, Al “I Act The Opposite Of My Last Name” Sapienza, Forest “Mom Says I'm Special” Whitaker

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Lethal weapon swimming in a sea of morons

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Half an hour would have been enough by eliminating unnecessary parts which does not kill

Country (someone even finances them): France (bring them back in the sanatorium)

Plot (really, a plot?): A former field agent of the secret service tries to get back together with his ex-wife for not having to pay alimony, but the new husband burns it on time and does kill the woman. After discovering that must recover at home pregnant daughter, the agent goes mad and kills a bit 'of Russians because of their démodé underwear.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 3

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 01 – Last Tango in Paris (Postprandial Somnolence)

166 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Exodus: Gods and Kings!

Director (or his deputy): Ridley “Retirement Is Not An Alternative” Scott

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Christian “As Di Caprio To Oscar” Bale, Joel “Viking Egyptian” Edgerton, Aaron “My Name Is Aaron Not Joshua” Paul, Ben “Millions Of Dead” Kingsley, Sigourney “And The Aliens?” Weaver

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): A colossal pulping of balls

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): The time to cross the Red Sea on foot

Country (someone even finances them): USA (never learn), Great Britain (after this film will not be great ever) and Spain (as a reward I want the name on the poster)

Plot (really, a plot?): The people of Israel to gain freedom and be liking as usual, convinces the half-brother of Pharaoh to betray him and listening to the voices of a God boy who likes to play Minecraft on the estuary of the River Nile. Finished the Egyptians, the fury hits the fish fauna of the Red Sea.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 3

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 07 – Novecento (Irreversible Neurological Damage)

165 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Horrible Bosses 2!

Director (or his deputy): Sean “Great Pedigree Idiot” Anders

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Jason “I Am Marble” Bateman, Jason “How Many Jason In The World” Sudeikis, Charlie “Emilio Estevez Costs Half” Day, Jennifer “Nerd Dream For The Erection” Aniston, Chris “Pine In Name And In Fact” Pine, Christoph “Money For Nothing” Waltz, Kevin “I Masturbate And I'm Not Ashamed” Spacey

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those that justify cinema just to eat buttered popcorn

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): As the First World War, but with fewer deaths

Country (someone even finances them): USA (I don’t understand why the Mexicans don’t go south)

Plot (really, a plot?): Three young entrepreneurs, having made blow the company as fools, think to retrieve it by staging a kidnapping. Things could go well if the cast had not been filled with stars who must make their appearance, integrating into the plot as a piece of excrement in milk. The audience obviously drunk believing is a chocolate milkshake.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 2

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 04 – Little Buddha (Alcohol Coma)

164 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…The Captive!

Director (or his deputy): Atom “Superhero? No, A Stupid Name” Egoyan

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Ryan “Still The Wrong Movie” Reynolds, Scott “Me Or A Mullet” Speedman, Rosario “What I’m Doing Here” Dawson, Mireille “She’s A Maniac” Enos, Kevin “Monothematic” Durand

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Those who fail to shock even sheep

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Enough to regret an MRI with contrast medium

Country (someone even finances them): Canada (why bears do not rebel against these louts?)

Plot (really, a plot?): A poor father watches helplessly as the attempts of the police to track down the kidnappers pedophiles daughter, using as bait only thirty-five women, apparently afflicted with multiple psychosis. The girl, frustrated by such idiocy, decides to free herself.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 5

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 10 – Stealing Beauty (Cerebral Antimatter)

163 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Camp X-Ray!

Director (or his deputy): Peter “Blind Man Without Hands” Sattler

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Kristen “Someone Stop Me” Stewart, Peyman “I Speak As Bender” Moaadi, Joseph Julian “Crossed The Border Yesterday” Soria, Cory Michael “Mom Doesn’t Know Who I Am” Smith, Lane “Ku Klux Without Klan” Garrison

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those who appease the conscience to radical chic

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Enough to regret the death penalty

Country (someone even finances them): USA (a great country when you measure survives the nonsense that produces)

Plot (really, a plot?): A young soldier, to earn the respect of hardened colleagues base at Guantanamo, after flirting with a captive of Islamic faith gives him a copy of the seventh volume of the Harry Potter saga and then runs away, knowing that the man will be disappointed by the vapid final.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 08 – L’Ultimo Imperatore (Near-Death Experience)

162 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies!

Director (or his deputy): Peter “Nerd Sucks Now I’m Cool” Jackson

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Martin “Exciting As A Wall” Freeman, Ian “More Superpowers Than Teeth” McKellen, Richard “Dwarf Is Not Suffering From Dwarfism” Armitage, Luke “No, I’m Not Orlando” Evans, Orlando “No, I’m Not Luke” Bloom, Evangeline “What A Surprise! A Clone Of Liv Tyler” Lilly

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those deep as a poster who broke his balls with the battles

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Compatible with a tantric sex

Country (someone even finances them): New Zealand (they even have the money to fund the crap) and USA (ah, that's who finances really crap)

Plot (really, a plot?): Defeated the dragon Smaug, arrive ogres and the forces of good are compacted on the scrotum of the public for a last desperate resistance. Eventually, after having foiled the first interspecies relationship between dwarves and elves, survivors are french kiss and they go back home.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 06 – L’Assedio (Deep Coma)

161 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…The Riot Club!

Director (or his deputy): Lone “What The Hell!!!” Scherfig

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Max “Thank You Father” Irons, Sam “Lucky Lucky Man” Claflin, Douglas “Funny Face, Actor Disgrace” Booth, Holliday “Toilet Whitewashed Remains A Toilet” Grainger, Freddie “ No Costume No Recitation” Fox

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those who would like to know the idiot who said that this is the new "A Clockwork Orange"

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): The ideal for the pathogenesis of orchitis

Country (someone even finances them): Great Britain (it's really a mystery how they did it to gain and maintain an empire)

Plot (really, a plot?): A group of young students from Oxford, instead of emulating fellow Mediterranean and fuck everything that moves, decides to get drunk to death and destroy a restaurant. Then the audience realizes that in England women are ugly and then empathizes.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 5

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 10 – Stealing Beauty (Cerebral Antimatter)

160 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Magic in the Moonlight!

Director (or his deputy): Woody “Stories Photocopy” Allen

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Emma “Lemur of Madagascar” Stone, Colin “Why Colin, Why?” Firth, Simon “No, Seriously, Who Are You?” McBurney, Hamish “Nomen Omen” Linklater, Eileen “Damn, You Also” Atkins

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those who have already seen a lot of times, but since it is Woody woe to say that they do pity

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): Just enough time to devote to something useful and fruitful

Country (someone even finances them): USA (despite incest adoptive fail to not give him money)

Plot (really, a plot?): A famous british illusionist, pretending to do the Chinese, presaging the future of his country and of many others, tries to expose a medium scammer, but ends up to marry her and sell magic salt on the phone to unsuspecting old ladies in a country of idiots who begins to I and ends up tally.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 07 – Novecento (Irreversible Neurological Damage)

159 - Johnny Little Niggers has reviewed for you...

…Dracula Untold!

Director (or his deputy): Gary “Another Director? Seriously?” Shore

Cast (jumble of players chosen from a chimpanzee): Luke “Old Orlando Bloom Clone” Evans, Sarah “Collapsible Decolletè” Gadon, Charles “Forever Evil In B Movies” Dance, Dominic “Hey, I’m An Actor! No, Just Kidding” Cooper, Zach “I Have A Wrestler Name” McGowan

Genre (dear to those who do nothing from morning to night): Of those who take a great novel and make havoc

Duration (the time of catharsis or catalepsy): The same as when you reach the public toilets with melted and are occupied

Country (someone even finances them): USA (not having a literature worthy of the name devastate that of others)

Plot (really, a plot?): Prince of Transylvania, said the Impaler, instead of impaling his wife, unleashes a fierce war with Mohammed II. To win it does not find anything better than to sell your soul to a nosferatu and force us to see it forever.

Riccardelli (there is more and worse is, from 1 to 5): 4

Sleep-O-Meter (the ten steps of boredom): 05 - The Sheltering Sky (Pharmacological Coma)

158 - Johnny Little Niggers ha visionato per voi...

…The Homesman!

Regista (o chi ne fa le veci): Tommy Lee “I’m Not In The Video With Pamela Anderson” Jones

Cast (accozzaglia di attori scelta da uno scimpanzé): Tommy Lee “It’s A Name, Not A Surname” Jones, Hilary “Broom In The Ass” Swank, Meryl “Not Here, Please” Streep, John “Ugly, Tall, With Decayed Teeth” Lithgow

Genere (caro a quelli che non fanno un tubo da mane a sera): Di quelli che sono pieni di polvere, deserto e vecchie carampane starnazzanti

Durata (il tempo della catarsi o della catalessi): Lungo come quello di un pornodivo dopo l’intervento della fluffer

Nazione (qualcuno addirittura li finanzia): USA (per deprimere di nuovo l’economia)

Trama (davvero, una trama?): Un’aviopenica e un avvinazzato scortano tre svalvolate mogli di contadini all’ospizio della brava matriarca calvinista. Durante il viaggio i due consumano un fugace rapporto, talmente scarso da indurre protagonisti e pubblico al suicidio.

Riccardelli (più ce n’è e peggio è da 1 a 5): 3

Sleep-o-Meter (i dieci passi della noia): 08 – L’Ultimo Imperatore (Esperienza Premorte)

157 - Johnny Little Niggers ha visionato per voi...

…Sex Tape!

Regista (o chi ne fa le veci): Jack “Blind Man” Kasdan

Cast (accozzaglia di attori scelta da uno scimpanzé): Cameron “Actress I Like to Fuck” Diaz, Jason “Less Than An Idiot” Segel, Rob “Who Am I” Coddry, Ellie “It’s A Joke” Kemper, Rob “Oh C’mon What A Mess” Lowe

Genere (caro a quelli che non fanno un tubo da mane a sera): Di quelli di che fanno ridere solo quelli fuori dal cinema

Durata (il tempo della catarsi o della catalessi): Abbastanza per sentire fastidi alle emorroidi

Nazione (qualcuno addirittura li finanzia): USA (l’eccesso di ricchezza fa brutti scherzi)

Trama (davvero, una trama?): Una coppia in calo ormonale pensa bene di rendere onanisti tutti gli adolescenti dello stato, compreso il figlio obeso dei migliori amici. Mentre questo si cerca il pistolino, i due si scapicollano per tentare di cancellare il video.

Riccardelli (più ce n’è e peggio è da 1 a 5): 2

Sleep-o-Meter (i dieci passi della noia): 01 – Ultimo Tango a Parigi (Sonnolenza Postprandiale)